I was supposed to be dead by now but I didn’t wake up on time.
Now I’m trapped.
I’m leaving tonight, don’t ask me why.
I just need you to know.
I’m leaving tonight.
Be happy. Be lovely. Be you.
I’ll visit you in dreams and hope you don’t have nightmares.
I’ve never liked those much and I don’t need anymore
But I”ll fight them away for you.
I’m leaving tonight
Don’t ask why.
Don’t bother with questions or concerns you feel you have to express.
Don’t bother me I’m on my way
Don’t ask why.
My mother came in again to ask how i was
then my brother
then my father
I think I have to kill them.
I don’t know what they expect of me.
I was pretty fine before they bugged me. Now I just want to be dead.
my mother just came up here and sat on the floor and made me uncomfortable and stressed out because she kept asking:
“What do you plan to do?”
And all that came to mind was “I plan to write” because I’ve watched and read Girl, Interrupted too many times and in all honesty everything in my life is really similar to Susanna Kaysen’s story right now but whatever.
All I said was “Nothing” because I don’t want to answer to a person that just makes me feel like shit all the time.
My father told her to go question me. I hear them talking now.
I’m a disappointment.
I’ve been a disappointment all year.
Her: "I don't see WHY I would order those for you. Your grad pictures were a waste of money."
I started to do dishes
Her: -comes up behind me and puts her hands on my shoulders and squeezes- "I'm very bitter, Nicole"
Me: I know. It doesn't really mean anything to me. You always have been.
Her: -cackles- "Until YOU do something, don't expect much from me."
So, after my father forced a hug on me because he hasn’t had a hug from me in a long time (gee, i wonder why!), I decided to ask my parents to pay for my first tattoo like they did for my brother when HE turned 18.
They said no because I stretched my ears and have my nose pierced. “because that’s the same thing as a tattoo”
someone want to stick and poke me?
I’M HOME ALONE
I’M GONNA SHOWER
AND SMOKE THINGS
AND TRY REALLY HARD TO BE PRETTY BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, I’M NOT FEELIN IT
mY MOTHER GOES THROUGH MY GARBAGE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND JUDGES EVERYTHING AND SAYS “Oh Nicoooollee” IN A POUTY FUCKING BITCH VOICE AT THINGS SHE DOESN’T LIKE SUCH AS RECYCLABLES IN THE GARBAGE OUUUUUUU SCANDALOUS
AND IT LITERALLY MAKES ME WANT TO DIE.
I CANT BREATHE RIGHT NOW. HELP
being in this house literally makes me throw up because i’m so fucking scared all of the time.
i did earlier
and it’s coming again now.
I can. And I fucking will.
I’m excited about rainbow prom tomorrow but also like AH because vicki’s ex, which shouldn’t be a big deal but still is to me because i’m a terrible partner and junk + 5 million OTHER people that i don’t know + my face/skin in general still isn’t nice looking enough + fat feels + dancing makes me feel really uncomfortable, even just watching people dance + seeing Ms. Prica whom I feel is disapointed in my everything + just general sad feels
parents will be like why are you guys all dressed up and i’ll just be like “HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNAGHUHUDSHASHSHSHUUSEYHYSTUFFDANCEAHCUZLEAVEMEALONE” and then collapse on the floor.
Also, I need thigh highs but my thighs are too tremendous for any thigh highs around town and I’m going to cry
I get really paranoid and junk in the dark and I just threw a stuffed animalie at Vicki so she’d wake up. I told her I was scared and I wanted her to come lay in bed with me so I can feel safe but she just told me there was nothing to be scared of and fell back asleep….
Sometimes she makes me feel like poop, and she doesn’t mean it but it still hurts and I just wish she’d listen to me for once. She always tells me there’s nothing to be scared of but she KNOWS what goes on in my head. She knows how scary it can be. But she doesn’t think it all through. Especially not when she’s 3.9/4 asleep.
But all I asked for was to be held. I’m so fucking terrified right now but I don’t want to turn the light on again
Please help before it all turns red?